Right now I am feeling all the new year feels. What does that mean?

I guess it means today I leant into all the feelings that this new year turning is offering me.

What feelings is it offering you?

Today felt like my first day of 2019.

The last few weeks have been a big personal challenge and this particular journey is not over yet.

Sitting on the sidelines, out of sight, being really still and quiet, I have been able to notice. Really notice what it feels like when a new year turns and when it seems like everyone jumps in head first. With all their plans, goals, new courses, new, new, new… It is a vulnerable and could quickly become an overwhelming place, leading to feeling even more incapacitated than you already were.

Right now my head needs me to look after it with gentleness and love both physically and mentally. So instead of jumping into the new year, today, I just dipped my toe.

Being unable to exercise, work at full capacity, or care for my family’s needs, has felt like a huge black box surrounded me. Muffling my voice, removing my view, allowing no light. I am a positive person but this experience hurt both physically and mentally.

But surely you know what to do?

Yeah sure. Being a coach I know how to reframe, refocus, turn it 180. I know how to talk to myself with compassion. But even with the tool belt, I had to feel all the feels. I had to surrender to the anger, fear, what ifs, self-loathing, resentment, frustration, failure, anxiety of being seen, of not beginning the year in a hurry, of not yet forging my years aspirations. Of not knowing what to say if seen.

This forced time out has been so necessary, yet did I know it at the time?

Forget the surgery, the condition. This time out has provided pause, literally a full stop. It wasn’t planned, it was abrupt and I am a shit patient. My mood swings are like a grandfather clock’s pendulum and come with no patterns or prediction.  I am a self-confessed nightmare to look after.

But with this, unexpected opportunities have arisen!

Support: you have no idea what’s there till you ask.

My husband has had the opportunity to dive into my role. He has been amazing! When you are poorly  often the carers suffer most as they feel so out of control, with no idea how to support you. This role opportunity was the single most helpful and heartfelt thing he could do and I am eternally grateful.

Community: unconditional love is the one of the greatest healers.

My friends, family and colleagues with messages of love! It’s not often you are able to receive such love, it’s not natural to let it come in. But every single one was appreciated and reciprocated in my thoughts, offering positive focus.  If you have a friend or loved one, even a stranger who you feel is feeling some of these feels, please know every single gentleness you offer is noticed and does leave a lasting impact. Never stop giving out love.

Insights: It is bleak sometimes, like the weather, but we do lead a life of possibilities and rainbows.

The inevitable impact of social media and how you just can’t avoid it these days for all its positives and negatives. While reflecting on how it was impacting me, I began to think of all the other people stuck indoors, in wards, in life, feeling physically or metaphysically incapacitated and how at significant times of year social media access can be so dis-empowering. Being able to witness the world through a device feeds into your psyche without you knowing and, if unaware, it can be so destructive.  Impacting mood and any choices you are making on a daily basis.  It is unrealistic to say switch it off, but we need to be aware of our ‘fear’ triggers and how to neutralise them quickly.

By dipping my toe today with two inspiring clients, I neutralised mine. Taking small actions, most of my assumed business fears have gone.  I know EVERYONE has demons, EVERYONE has shitty chapters and when we are ready to notice we will realise that EVERYONE gets a choice on how to own their story.

Needs: Owning your needs is as important as knowing your triggers.

I know how important being in nature is for our healing. Yet I was too tired and too sore to get outside until recently. Inside I could feel myself drying up. As I healed, the enormity of my need to just be outside grew alongside my frustration of being stuck inside. So after a row (borne from my frustration) with my son, we went outside together, back to my sit spot. We sat for 30 mins of quiet, close enough, but free in our own space. We watched the water, the gusts of wind creating patterns. The seemingly controlled, never ceasing rhythm of ripples heading to land. The gusts, changing the water to darker grey and looked like they were trying to jump the queue to reach the edge, yet crashing every time. The pond weed at the edge diligently absorbing the messages within the water and interpreting them for land to use. In silence, we reconnected to the earth and each other. Without words, the row dissipated, our energy shifted, we softened our gaze and walked hand in hand back home.

So today was a new dawn, a new day, of a new year. Today I began again, I dipped my toe and felt the water. I got to choose for how long, how deep and if I come back tomorrow to paddle again. When the sun greets you on your new day with daring, passionate, depths of flame red, what more of a wake up do I need to give this year a well-deserved hello.

Winter is not done with us yet, but we are nearly half way.  It has been gentle with us, however, the cold winds can still blow.  This darker depth of the year is time to notice where we find our joy, plant our intentions deep in the earth to harvest more, and be ready to open our hearts fully to the transformation that is coming with Spring.  The energy is high, this year feels more collaborative, compassionate and lighter than the last. It will bring its challenge and yes there is work to do and joy to be had, at a pace which serves.

Sam x